I have to confess, it’s been a long time since I got into writing mode.
Since the summer, my client numbers have ramped up considerably, especially more and more couples (and individuals, of course) coping with neuro-diversity, my speciality being ADHD.
A person with ADHD finds life extremely challenging. Being the partner of a person with ADHD is, guess what? Extremely Challenging!
So many couples in this situation find it hard to know where to get help for their relationship. There is a huge lack of trained couple therapists who also understand what ADHD is all about. So, these couples find ME! I have been married to my husband for 22 years and he’s very full on ADHD and we are both getting older!!
So, work life, home life and health life have been very intense. Plus, like most of us, I’m a sensitive soul and am deeply affected by world events which fall into two categories mainly: war and the destruction of our planet. Finding a balance means reading and listening enough to know what’s going on and also knowing when to change the “channel” and take a break from it all. Ongoingly, with all there is to deal with, both near and far, I have discovered that self-care and coming from a place of love as much as possible, plus having a fair amount of laughter, is what really does it for me!
So, despite all the various loads we all carry, here we now are….nearly at the holiday season once again and there is so much I’d love to offer you, having been absent for too long. So, I will give you a few of my best loved formulas for keeping your relationsip connected, loving and pleasurable……..These are in no particular order.
IF AN ARGUMENT STARTS TO BREW…. pause, slow down and breathe. Do not say any sentence starting with “YOU”. Say “I’m noticing I’m feeling……and ……Let’s see if we can work this out together.” Even if it rises to a crescendo, try not to blame. Keep talking about your own process and what’s triggering YOU! By the way, arguments are not the worst thing in a relationship. Feeling dead in there is much worse!
LOVE IS A VERB!…… we can all keep saying “I love you” or “Love you” (the mini version, easily said), just like “Hi, how ya doing”? But LOVE is not just words said by rote. It’s about ACTION that requires expressions so the other one actually feels your love. Expressions of love can be tiny…”ooh, you loook lovely today”, or huge ” I hear everything you say, my love and you are really right. I am very slobbish about my plates and cups and I will really try to do better on that front”….But you do need to mean it!!
YOUR RELATIONHIP BELONGS TO YOU BOTH 50/50….Don’t be in the waiting room (the most boring place on earth) hoping and praying for something good to happen. Do it yourself… make it happen! Create some special couple time for you both. Make your partner a cuppa. Plan a surprise. Go and hug them unexpectedly. Listen to them 100%. Ask them how they’re doing and so on and so on….you get the idea. Never just wait. If you’re still unhappy, come and see me!!
FOUNDATIONAL INTIMACY IS THE CORE THING THAT MAKES YOUR RELATIONSHIP A RELATIONSHIP, RATHER THAN JUST A FRIENDSHIP!…. Even if you are not having sex very much for whatever reason, make sure you are intimate with one another (See the Intimacy Curve below). Go to bed together often and just BE together, no agenda. Giggle, stroke, breathe, kiss and more, maybe or not. Let it be perfect as it is. Your emotional and physical connection is the key, whatever that looks like for you as a couple.
LET YOUR HEART LEAD THE WAY A LOT! …. If you can pause, breathe and see your partner from a place of love (as those of you who are parents do with your kids most of the time), then it all softens and life feels so much happier and warmer. This isn’t easy to do, I know, But, even bringing this kind of awareness in, especially if there’s a feeling of distance and disconnection, can open a pathway to intimacy and re-bonding. Trust your heart before your brain….OK not in everything, but a lot!
Make sure you’re doing most of these daily!!
This coming year, I am going to be putting more time and energy into offering Couples Intensives .
Sometimes, a deep journey over several hours can enable change to take place for a couple in a different kind of way from regular hourly sessions.
If, there is something troubling your relationsip that is hard to shift and it keeps coming around and around, a Couples Intensive may make a huge difference. It can enable you to dialogue with one another in ways you might not yet have managed. Or to actually do an exercise together that would be challenging to do by yourselves.
An integration, a wholeness can happen over a longer period of time with a deep level of support.
This is the place to go to to find out more:
So, dear people, have a unique and lovely time over the next few weeks and have fun too. I look forward to seeing many of you in early 2024.
With love and intimacy to you and your unique relationship
Priya 💝💝