I guess ideally, you would like to be both friends and lovers!
That would indeed be wonderful, however, so many clients come to me and say “We are great friends and we have the same values. We do love each other, but we’re not in love anymore and we have almost no intimacy or sex. These couples are definitely NOT lovers.
We all know about the crazy flush of falling in love when we first get together. It’s fabulous and almost out of this world. But, we humans are not designed to carry on like this if we are to stay sane and manage life, a home, work and kids. But we do want and need to stay loving and close emotionally and physically…that is intimacy. But what happens when we get almost completely out of touch with intimacy, way before we get anywhere near sex?
Couples who have forgotten how to be close emotionally and physically are also likely to be rather disconnected. And of course, intimacy comes from connection as indeed connection comes from intimacy! They feed one another.
Unfortunately, it’s all too easy to literally lose that intimacy pathway in the brain.
If we don’t use it, we lose it, as they say. Sometimes it can take years for a couple to notice the loss of their intimacy and connection. They have sadly got used to life that way. It becomes a kind of norm but deep down they are probably very unhappy and often lonely.
So…how can you wake up from this heartbreaking loss of closeness? You first need to notice it! Oh, what’s going on with us??…. We’re so distant from one another, even though we hardly argue and we chat about the news a lot, and we’re great with the kids, or what sofa we need to buy!!
Then….once you’ve woken up to the reality of the loss of your couple-ness, you HAVE TO talk to one another about yourselves, your feelings and what’s happening to you both and your relationship. This has to be in person, NOT in texts. (Texts have their uses of course, but not in this scenario)
Being brave enough to be vulnerable, and express the pain of the loss, has the potential to be the beginning of your healing journey out of the sexless rut. Another essential ingredient, of course, is the desire and motivation to change it. This habitual stuckness can begin to shift, especially with help from someone like a couple therapist.
Honest and vulnerable COMMUNICATION leads to CONNECTION
CONNECTION potentially takes us to emotional INTIMACY
Emotional INTIMACY can take us to physical intimacy, sensuality and SEX…sometimes!
So what is honest and vulnerable communication?
It’s when you feel able to meet your partner with realness. When you share about yourself and your partner is with you, not trying to fix you, but warmly listening and feeling with you in what is going on for you emotionally….it might be your confusion or grief or your vulnerability.
This kind of communication needs a safe, uncluttered space (with no phones etc), and a feeling of trust that you will be really heard and seen without judgment. It’s not an everyday thing to talk together this way but can sometimes become so if you prioritise the space and time to create these “Check-ins” regularly. And it can be helped with a structure.
Here is a very simple structure indeed.
This video does go back to 2018, but the need for simple sharing and listening doesn’t change! Some of you have probably heard me talk about the 5 minutes/5 minutes sharing and listening exercise. I suggest you each share about what you feel is happening from your OWN feelings with no blaming type of talk. Sometimes, you can talk about something you really want your partner to know about you in this moment.
It’s a way to open the first door to intimacy and sex would you believe?!
Keeping on focussing on the fact that you’re not being sexual together: “Why does he never initiate sex Why does she always fall asleep? Are we ever going to have sex again” won’t get you being sexual!
This is another video of mine from a few years ago: It’s called “What Sex Needs!”
It may also help you understand why putting all the emphasis on sex doesn’t create sex!
I am offering more Couple Intensives from late September
An intensive is an amazing 8-hour deep and delightful process for one couple. I tailor-make it to give them the right kind of structure and support to meet their unique needs. It is always pretty extraordinary for all three of us! It is ideal if you are resonating with what you have read above and perhaps even feel that your love for one another has sadly become eroded.
There is a lot of info here about my intensives, plus an article to read.
https://priyatourkow.com/couples-intensives/
If you think this could be what you need as a couple, just give me a ring on 07947 581765.
An Intensive with me has opened up loving doors for several couples and some of them have written the most beautiful pieces following their experience. I want to share them with you because I’m so moved by the profound meaning of Choosing Love and what it can take to go there, especially for couples who’ve been together for a good while.
“I cannot express fully how much this intensive has meant to me. I feel like the newlyweds we were never allowed a chance to be! Finally we have come to a place that we can enjoy each other. I had been stuck in a negative, critical and closed-off place within myself, but this journey with you, Priya allowed me to view my husband in a different way.
So THANK YOU for your relaxed and positive attitude!
I got something out of every exercise and activity we did. There was nothing that didn’t benefit in some way on some level. It was an amazing experience and we are making plans to transform our bedroom into our sacred space. It’s the most comfortable (yet drab!) room we have. And it needs some spicing up!
I have never felt closer to my hubbie and have felt my love for him has finally come to the surface. I know I must make a deliberate choice every day to continue in what I’ve learned and experienced and not let myself fall into old patterns, and I plan to do just that!”
Suzanna
“Namaste Priya,
A very quick update to tell you that you have made two people very happy. We are like mature teenagers again! I cannot wait to see him when he comes home from work. We regularly stroke, cuddle, kiss and talk openly too. All in all, a great result!
It’s still early days as we know. But then I realize, in a way, it’s just rekindling the many years we had when we were a happy loving couple.
It just seems so hard for male partners to accept help. That’s why I give the utmost respect to my partner. Not many men have the courage or motivation to do it .. but then we are all different!We wanted to learn to be together…close and intimate again. I wanted to prevent us drifting away indefinitely….it worked!”
Beverly
OH, THE JOKE…I NEARLY LEFT IT OUT!!
Now, I know this may not be politically correct and all that, but I just have to tell you this silly Irish joke, which really tickled me…maybe that says a lot about me : >)
This is about intimacy in the right place at the right time and we all know how important that can be ……..
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband’s libido.
‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’
‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish version’. It’s when you drop the tablet into his coffee. He
won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.’
It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!
‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor. ‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect
was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulgin’ fiercely. With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’
‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’ ‘T’was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again’.😂
Love to you all till September and enjoy the rest of the summer!!
Priya
❤