The current pandemic has put a lot of pressure on partner relationships.
In lockdown, relationships can be more intense, with more frustrations and arguments. Or they can be rather unaware and shallow if you are avoiding one another, or avoiding difficult issues.
So, I thought it would be useful to flag some of the ways in which we get connected and disconnected.
What Connects You?
1. Your Relational Space
Be aware of your Relational Space, which is what every unique relationship is… a moving, flowing space that you both create. This belongs to you both, 50% each. How do you each contribute to its well-being? It needs nurturing by both of you equally.
2. The Bridge Between Your Worlds
Remember that you are both individuals with worlds of your own as well as the one you share with each other. How deeply do you know one another? Do you know what he/she is passionate about? Do you really know what your partner loves, likes and hates? Do you encourage and support each other in your individual endeavours?
3. The Ways in Which You Meet One Another
Are you creating time to be together as a couple? Not always easy I know, but essential. This can be in ordinary everyday ways: eating and chatting, watching TV and snuggling, talking more deeply together, being affectionate and of course, being sensual and sexual together. All these and lots more, if they happen regularly, will keep your loving connection alive.
What Disconnects You?
This is harder to get a clear hold of and often requires a closer look. And, of course, if you are doing the above things that create connection, you will, for sure, experience fewer times of disconnection.
The disconnections, which can be quite painful when they happen, can show up in the form of behaviours or habits that you each bring into the relationship, sometimes without realising it.
1. Your Relationship Template or Formula
This is something that may not be in your conscious awareness. It’s based on what you saw and heard from your parents, as you grew up, about how relationships are.
It is learned at a cellular level; it forms your template and shapes how you ‘do’ relationship. For example, never showing your vulnerability, never showing affection, “there’s no point in trying to share my viewpoint”, or “I can have everything I want”.
These may sound rather extreme and maybe they get modified as time goes on. However, they really do have a part to play in how you are with your partner as they can shape what you do and say in the form of behaviours and habits.
This is well worth looking at together, without judgments. When you discover the origins of the disconnecting patterns, it makes it easier to understand and accept… and… change.
2. Your Survival Suit
This also goes back to the past and is about the habits and patterns you had to adopt to survive.
Some of these patterns may be lovely ones, such as being generous and loving like your mum or dad. But some may be painful, like how you kept out of the way, so as not to get picked on. Or how you had to fight hard to get heard. Or how you zoned out when you were being punished.
These are confronting to think about, but they too, have a role in your relationship. You might still be encased in your survival suit when its role is outdated and actually creates disconnection in your relationship.
We do need take a look at these habits that get in the way of love… in order to create the most epic and loving relationship!
This is exactly how I’m supporting couples in my online group IN IT TOGETHER. I guide six couples to navigate their disconnects and deepen their love.
In their own words:
“It is really helpful to hear other couple’s experiences and know we aren’t alone in our struggles.”
“We have been growing deeper in understanding each other in our past few weeks’ journey with you and Bob through the couple course.”
The next three-session group begins on June 17th and there is an opening for two more couples. Get in touch if you’d like to join.
With love to you and your potentially wonderful relationship
Priya 💞