You may need to make a cuppa for this one…
It’s interesting to me lately, how many couples are feeling lonely (individually) and separate from one another. It seems that lockdown has played a part in this, where they’ve been around each other a lot and have slipped into a kind of numb place when it comes to finding quality ways to be together.
Are you both just existing in the same space but little else? Surviving rather than thriving? I understand how this can happen when circumstances are so strange, but it’s all too easy to forget how to connect and flourish when the wasteland begins to opens up somewhat.
Or, do you wonder if you have ever been truly connected?
Many ask me what I mean by connection. It’s not easy to describe, and much easier to feel it when it’s there between you. When it’s missing, you will experience that loss instinctively, even if you can’t quite put it into words.
I will try to give you a sense of aspects of connection through these phrases which are not necessarily in order of priority:
A feeling of belonging together
A natural flow and comfort between you
An ease in each other’s company
Giving each other really good loving listening time, naturally
Making plans together, for the day, week and longer
Having hopes and dreams as a couple
Deeply knowing each other emotionally and physically
Having compassion for one another
A motivation and ability to sort out challenging things regularly via communication
Feelings of love that arise often
A desire to be in contact via words and physical touch
Expressions of love, intimacy and sexuality actively being present
Creating certain things that are just for the two of you
A curiosity about how you react and interact with one another
How did you feel reading this list? Are you doing most of them, or far too few?
Many couples, when they sit with me in a first session, say things like, “We argue so much of the time”. Or “We have completely different views on how we deal with so many things”. Or “We hardly ever sit down together without the kids”.
I call all that “content”, which is what actually happens; the things that take place in your relationship, eg arguments, opposing views or never being alone together. And it’s amazing how people get so caught up in what’s happening. Usually what they mean is “It’s really not working”.
When I start to delve a bit and ask them about the kind of connection they have with one another, it can stop them in their tracks. They want to talk about the content, sometimes endlessly.
Looking above, at those aspects that are distinctive in well-connected couples, many of them tend to be missing when the content regularly isn’t working well. It’s tempting to be mainly focussed on all those troubles and difficulties that are happening… content again.
It can take a while to understand that striving for connection, thereby creating a deeper foundational place for you both, is the real issue and the essential one to prioritise.
By the way, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not saying that what keeps happening between you isn’t important. It certainly is. But the actual WHAT’S HAPPENING can feel in your faces much more than an awareness of the underlying process between you, especially when it gets repeated again and again.
A curiosity about how you react and interact with one another (as above in the connection list) is the big key: Oh, what’s happening for us right now?
You could try something like this:
We seem to be triggering each other. Let’s pause. I’m noticing I’m feeling sad because we aren’t together this evening. I don’t know how to suggest us being together. I guess I’m a bit scared of you saying no… etc etc.
This kind of honesty is personal; it changes the scene and it creates CONNECTION!!
And it takes work! But it probably wins over arguing or being lonely, or all those happenings that separate you and are so painful. If there’s nothing, or very little, to hold you and your relationship together, the content just rolls on and on.
I believe that most couples having a hard time do truly want to be connected. I see this a lot in those who come to me, They may have had that wonderful feeling (or set of feelings) some time back, but it’s dwindled over the years and they almost can’t remember what it was like and how on earth do they get it back?
Connection definitely manifests love. When you’re interacting with a desire to stay connected, at least most of the time, you will feel closer and more loving. It becomes so much easier to rise above these other happenings that are annoying at times. The happenings will always happen!
You will have arguments! It’s not about stopping arguing. I mean, ideally nobody wants 20 arguments a week, but when you do have a disagreement or a conflict, if you’re focusing on the fact that you love this person and you feel connected to them, that makes it a lot calmer and a lot more possible to process a way through the troubles.
There is nothing more important for the two of you than connection. It’s the vital ingredient that holds you in love and togetherness, even when the going gets tough.
To your loving connection
Priya 💞