I can’t fail to notice how many couples of late, who have sessions with me, are struggling with arguments in their relationships. They seem to be erupting all over the place, like volcanos!
I find the volcano idea a helpful analogy and it seems my clients do too. A volcano can be dormant for a long time or be pretty active and explode regularly. When inactive, it may have a few rumbles underground so to speak, but when it erupts, it really goes WHOOSH and there’s no stopping it once it starts sending up the fire.
I like to think of the inactive stage as ‘staying on the ground’ and the Whoosh as exactly that… off it goes, as do so many arguments and once they’re off, that’s it, too late, there is no stopping them.
The trick is to keep your interaction/disagreement, or whatever on the ground. Look after it so it doesn’t go WHOOSH! I will suggest some ways to do that but first, I want to say that all couples argue. I think you all know and accept that. An argument, if not too volcanic and looked after well, can be a useful and even healthy thing. I’m focussing here more on the kind of arguments that are very distressing and seem to happen way too often. They may have become habitual with a certain pattern about them and very hard to stop.
The suggestions below are, however, good for everybody, even those of you who hardly argue, because they are helpful methods of keeping your communication open, real and owned by each individual in your couple.
So, how do you each keep those kinds of toxic whooshes from happening?
- The main thing is you turn your focus onto yourself rather than outward towards your partner, particularly if you are starting to find yourself blaming them.
- You PAUSE when you notice your energy getting agitated; you connect with yourself and pay attention to your process. Maybe you are feeling triggered or upset etc.
- You let your partner know what’s happening for you e.g. “I want to let you know that I’m feeling upset by this. Can we just pause and look after this interaction”.
- Ideally, you each do this and each can then LISTEN to what is happening for your partner. You then can focus on what is going on for your partner, rather than blaming them or feeling blamed.
- From this slower and more aware, caring place you each may be able to continue to listen to one another and acknowledge what your partner is feeling e.g. “I can see this is upsetting you”. You can then find a way to constructively work it through together e.g. “What do we both need right now? How can we work this out in a way that is good for us both? Or is one of us able to accept and let go?
This kind of awareness and action takes a real commitment to doing it differently. But it’s really worthwhile if it enables more harmony and less conflict. If you both have this aim, then you become a team of two rather than one of you struggling alone and trying to change the other one.
With love to your relationship
Priya 🌼