Hello,
I’m pretty shocked to see that my last update went out a year ago!!
What can I say? I’m always wanting to send them and then life with clients’ sessions and a hubby with ADHD takes me over. I’m so hoping to be more in touch with you lovely people next year.
If we’re healthy and fit, we are likely to get a fair quantity of life. It’s definitely good to think we’ll be long lived but it’s the quality of life that really matters the most.
A couple I saw recently said “We have the perfect life, lovely children, a beautiful home, enough money for special treats, BUT we’re not really feeling connected, other than on a rather mundane surface level. We get all the jobs done, take great care of the kids and all the rest of the practical stuff…BUT neither of us is feeling close to the other one. We hardly ever cuddle and have pretty much forgotten what sex is!
This couple have the quantity but are deeply suffering on the quality front.
Underneath all the doing-ness, they do feel loving to one another but it’s as if there is no real space for the actual loving itself or what I call “expressions of love”.
And yes, it takes making the space to actually create the closeness that is so needed. It takes motivation too and awareness and some degree of risk.
If you are both waiting for something to happen, you might both wait a long time. Often there is a stuckness that’s got far too settled in place alongside habits that never get talked about, let alone assessed for their outdated-ness. And apathy can all too easily take over and that’s not easy to step out of, especially after a long period of time.
Perhaps every now and again, one of you says “We haven’t had sex for two years!” “We need to” or “I need to” or…..etc
The trouble is how do you go from disconnection to SEX? It’s not really possible. You need a kind of ladder to help you get up there! And you start very gently with small steps, one at a time. By the way, I call this particular ladder the Intimacy Curve.
Some steps for starters….
You agree to create some sitting down time together and you look at one another and say “Hello love, tell me how is your world going at this time? I’d love to hear about it”
And you listen and if it’s not too easy a world for your partner, you don’t try to fix it with a solution; you ask gently what they need and if you can support them in any way.
Do this little structure both ways and really be there for one another, in your heart and your eyes.
You can do this in various ways with more free flow sharing. Make it work for yourselves as a couple.
Make sure you have physical contact: hugs when you come and go or just when you feel like it. Surprise touch maybe as you pass each other by. These show warmth, desire and love. Sometimes longer cuddles on the sofa, and in bed, anywhere you fancy! In bed is especially good. However, something vital is required….you have to be there together!!
Notice sex is waaaaay up high on the curve because as I said earlier, you can’t really go from nothing to sex, especially from a complaints perspective “We never have sex, you don’t initiate sex” etc etc. It’s best to stop that line and say instead…”Ohh let’s snuggle together.”
The Curve is your journey as a couple and it’s a journey in itself…it’s not all about getting to sex. It’s about creating a loving intimate connection that will enable sex to naturally flow in, maybe when you are least expecting it or even thinking about it, because you are simply stroking each other’s faces and giggling together!!
Oh, and don’t forget to breathe, deeply and slowly, together if you can, especially when you are holding each other close. This is more wonderful than you can imagine, till you do it!!
Another couple said recently ” we are great friends, terrific Mum and Dad, sons and daughters to our aging parents, PA’s and business coaches to one another plus we both work from home with way too fluid office hours….How on earth can we be lovers with all that going on??
I told them about the Intimacy Curve and it’s taken them on a deep and profound journey of loving discovery. And sex (which I think of as an entity with a heart of its own!) is hovering nearby and waiting for the most natural moment to come in and visit them both!
…………………………………………………
As many of you know, I specialise in couples with ADHD in their relationship.
A while back, we ran a day for couples in this situation in our home in Folkestone.. It was a very special day with all sorts of sharing and relief for both the ADHD’ers and the ones on the receiving end of it.
I am thinking of creating another of these in February. Please let me know if you would be interested in coming along as a couple.
And a reminder of my Unique Couple Intensives….ideal if you can’t do regular sessions and/or would like the opportunity for an in depth, experiential, going deeper experience together.
Happy Holidays to everyone, however you celebrate this time of the year.
With love and intimacy to yourselves and your relationship.
Priya 💞💓💞💓
