Even though many couples in lockdown are actually spending more time together than ever, many tell me they are feeling very separate from one another and definitely not feeling like a loving team of two.
They talk of being a practical team of two though… great at organising the kids around their homeschooling, managing meals and shopping, home life and all that is involved in it.
I hear a lot about how all this stuff that needs dealing with gets in the way. I find myself wondering, what happened to the coupleness part? Where did it go? Well, it seems to have been relegated to the “back burner”. “We are good friends and housemates, but lovers? No…..sadly.”
I do believe some couples are kind of OK with this way of being together but I imagine neither of you signed up for it when you moved in together. It’s definitely only half of your aspiration. What happened to the other half? It’s amazing to me, but true, that many couples didn’t notice, for several years anyway, that it was slipping away. They were so busy with all the practical bustle and sometimes exhaustion of home life, especially with children, that the passing away of all the expressions of love crept almost unseen into the shadows. Of course, the longer the shadows become, the more habitual it is to live without being lovers, the harder it is to re-find it again.
So very sad.
BUT FEAR NOT! The truth is… it is possible to reignite your Loving Team of Two, it really is… but it takes, or should I say requires, certain factors to be in place.
These are pretty much essential in order for you both to embark on the extraordinary journey of re-discovering the wholeness, the warmth, the roundedness and depth of connection of this relationship you entered with good heart some time (or even a long time) back.
The essentials……………..
- The desire and the deep wanting to re-find that original relationship, even if you have no idea how to. That’s my job! Don’t let that not knowing put you off… all you need is a true desire to be loving again.
- The willingness to be honest and vulnerable along the journey of looking at why it’s not happening and what got in the way.
- The commitment to take the actions needed to meet one another fully emotionally and physically. You may notice I didn’t say sexually, because I believe intimacy is more foundational than full sex. Travelling gently through a journey of intimacy together is 95% likely to result in sex itself. But let’s not begin too early to aim for it as it can be too much too soon.
I once worked with a couple for two years who had never had sex during their twelve years of marriage. Actually one of them had never had sex at all. We got there in the end… hard work but worth every little baby step and fall back along the way.
It can indeed be a scary, challenging and confronting journey, but in my mind and heart, no journey is more worth embarking upon than this one. And the rewards could turn out to be beyond your wildest imagination!
If you need support, I am here.
And, as always, I’m sending love to you both and your unique and special relationship.
Priya xx