Welcome to any newcomers to this blog.
I’m sorry it has been a loooong time since my last post. I’m here now and doing well, having moved to sunny Hythe in Kent!
Since the focus of my work and these newsletters are all about relationships, I want to share with you what’s been happening in my relationship and it’s a little scary to do so. My fear puts me in touch with all the couples who come and see me with trepidation in their hearts. They may never have have talked to a therapist as a couple and often find it daunting and exposing. However, it’s almost always a huge relief when they vulnerably share their issues and have them heard by another person.
So, here I go…you are my trusted listeners.
Bob and I have been married for seventeen years and much of that time has been beautiful, close and loving. At times, it still is that way. But, as the years have rolled on, Bob has been more and more challenged by his ADHD (click here to read more about Adult ADHD and relationships) and depression. Difficulties that used to be short lived and not too troubling have become very hard in the last two years. Our loving closeness has become sabotaged by the daily painful slog. So much so, that when we were on the brink of buying a house and moving to Hythe in Kent a few weeks ago, suddenly, at the 11th hour, it seemed like a crazy thing to be doing. Buying a new home felt too much for us both. So, we pulled out! A hard but powerful step…..
What next? We did a lot of thinking, sharing and talking with supportive friends and we came up with a plan that now feels so stunningly right, I just have to tell you about it!
We decided to try a new way of exploring coupledom, which is living near one another in Hythe, a place we both love: So, we are each renting a property approximately 7 minutes walk apart and continuing our relationship in a different style, otherwise known as DATING!!
Yes, we are starting again, in order to re- live the good aspects, which have got so taken over by all the stress, anguish and difficulties of late.
We are creating a new way forward, and will see where it takes us. Perhaps we will share a home again or perhaps one with separate flats, or…who knows what? Maybe we will start a community for those of a certain age, offering love and support to everyone! Well, you never know. Right now, incredible feelings of spaciousness, simplicity and adventuring have landed with me. And, not surprisingly, there are also feelings of loss, fear, confusion and grief showing up regularly. The good news is, that however challenged we are at times, we both know this is the right thing to be doing and the right place to be doing it in.
Phew! I’ve told you all now. That feels better.
What is this all about in terms of relationship? My first thought is that living under the same roof as another person can be one of the hardest things to do. Every day life can sometimes severely harm our love….there should be a warning on the box! And of course, living with someone we deeply love can be glorious and special. There is no right or wrong about this. I guess the important piece is to stay alive to the dynamics of the relationship we are in and keep on making it the best it can possibly be. That could mean doing something unconventional and different like creating distance to maintain loving closeness, if you get my drift?
Or it may mean staying really close and building your intimacy in a new and fresh way, especially if it has dwindled away, leaving a gaping sense of distance and discomfort. An aliveness to discomfort of any kind (and what could possibly help move it on) is a key factor for sure.
It’s never a good idea to become oblivious to our own well being in relationship.
So what do you feel as you read this? Is some of it familiar? Is it exciting, scary, challenging, exhilarating? Where does it take you…and your partner? I’d love to know your thoughts, feelings and inspirations.
Please comment so we can all share in this discussion.
On a practical note, I’m continuing my relationship therapy work in East Barnet, North London twice a month (http://priyatourkow.com/ relationship-therapy/) and am looking forward to seeing new clients in Hythe, Kent. Skype sessions are available also.
And, my Facebook page has changed to Transforming Relationships. Please visit and like the new page!
With love to you and your relationship, as always
Photos from my beautiful new cottage in Hythe!