Here I am again, having moved a few weeks ago and what a time-consuming thing that is. I haven’t forgotten you, but have been absorbed with juggling storage, painting walls, creating a counselling room and lots more. Phew!
At last a little breathing space. I hope you’ve had a good summer, ideally with time to nurture your Relational Space. Remember? That which is yours to look after? A Reminder here.
I rarely send you a list of top tips for your relationship as I often find they all too easily get forgotten, rather like water off a duck’s back. But this little lot, which appeared in my Facebook feed recently, caught my attention. So here they are, interwoven with some humour and personal bits from me.
Especially the first one, of which I’ve had recent experience…
Doing home projects together can be good for bonding.
(Do they mean superglue?!)
That sounds like a really lovely way to connect with one another, as you pursue a project together to enhance your home. It can indeed be delightful but could be pretty challenging as well. My very helpful husband Bob, (as mentioned in the title) loves nothing more than lovingly doing a practical project for me e.g. turning the front doorsteps, from downright dangerous, as they were, into something safe. But, as some of you know, Bob has ADHD and a few of the symptoms became part of the project, for example:
- Make it definitely more complicated than it needs to be
- Use as many tools as possible, ideally spread all over the house
- Drastically underestimate how long the job will take
- Take frequent rests as it is soooooo much harder and takes way longer than expected
By the way, in case you are concerned, no husband’s ego was harmed in any way by this telling of the personal story. He loves his (and my) challenges being helpful to others… really!
You may recognise some of these traits. And they may not only apply to people with ADHD. What I learned here, yet again, is the huge value in being most appreciative, with much praise and truly letting go (well 85% at least) of the impatient and frustrated part of me that wanted to scream “OH NO, not done yet”. This really served both of us VERY well.
Love Conquered All! And that’s usually the best outcome for all involved.
One of the nicest home projects you can do is to look at your bedroom together and give it a bit of a critical review. Is it a haven of relaxation and pleasure? Is it a place in which you would love to end your evenings together? Does it offer a setting that calls you to be close and intimate?
If it’s not quite up to scratch, this is definitely one to work on as a team. Sometimes, it just requires a clearing of the space….no piles of ironing allowed! Or a scattering of cushions, lovely music or perhaps a candle or two.
Phones and devices banned from the bedroom.
After all…..who is your number one partner?! Facebook or your beloved?
Hmmm, many of us are guilty of this one, myself included.
I worked with a couple recently who were baffled by their lack of intimacy “especially because we love one another a lot and are great friends”. Well, it turns out that their idea of fun in bed is each being on their phones and giggling or crying separately at the videos they watched! When they banned their phones from the bedroom and came back to see me two weeks later, they were even more in love and had enjoyed themselves gloriously in bed, phone free. It can be done! They also shared some of the videos with one another before ascending the stairs to bed.
And apparently, intimacy is very good for our sense of peace and helps us sleep better, leading nicely into the next tip.
Good sleep is vital.
Otherwise, you can be tetchy with each other and arguments ensue.
I think a warm loving connection with your partner at night, after a sweet cuddle or sometimes more, can really lay a foundation for sleeping well and having loving vibes in the background of the night. It seems to me that disturbing dreams occur less in that kind of atmosphere.
Cultivate couple friends.
A good thing for sharing and support.
I couldn’t agree more with this one. Couple friends can feed your relationship in many ways and at different levels. Purely social and fun is sometimes what we all need and important too.
Couple friendships can indeed be wonderful and beneficial at a deeper level. I/we have been, for many years, part of a three couple group that meets regularly to share and support each other in our relationships. It is so valuable in my world.
I personally love groups of all kinds and have indeed mentioned to some of you that I would like to create and facilitate a Couples’ Support Group here in Hythe, Kent. If it’s something you would like, please let me know.
Talking of groups… I can’t resist this for a little giggle. It’s a book group.
An outside/third view of your relationship can be invaluable.
Bob and I discovered this, years ago in America, when we did a kind of couple astrological reading which told us that it was good for us to be somewhere neutral, with others around, like on a walk or in a cafe, if we had something important to sort out between us. This proved to be so very right and eventually led us to a couple therapist, which became a growthful place to go a few times a year for our relationship MOT!
And, last but not least, and this is scary to say, as it means I have to really get on with it! I am writing a book with the current working title:
“Get Deeply Connected”
Active Encounters for Couples
As the months pass, I would love to send you excerpts from it and let you in a little in the process. More about this another time.
I’d love to hear from you about how you nuture your relationship? Do you use any of these tips mentioned here? Do you have any experiences to share? Let me know in the comments below!
Meantime,
Love to you and your very unique relationship.
Priya xx