Hello there … this title is not a typo!
LAT means “Living Apart Together”. And before you get a bit concerned about these words, please take a breath and know that I’m NOT suggesting you and your partner live apart!
That is definitely not where I’m coming from. However, the complications of living together, as we know at times, can be challenging. And of course, it can be wonderful as well… when it’s good, it can be very very good!
In my last mail out, I shared, somewhat trepidatiously and vulnerably, about how LAT is the choice myself and my husband Bob recently made, ie living up the road from one another and “dating” regularly! It’s not without its problems, but, on the whole, is enabling us to have a loving, fun relationship without the painful and difficult aspects that were severely undermining our togetherness.
It’s interesting to look at this LAT thing…it seems to be a lifestyle of choice which some
couples are trying out, at varied stages of relationship. Here are a couple of places to go and read if you want to know more (Living Apart Together, Living Apart Together Makes Scientific Sense so do it Scientifically).
Again, I want to reiterate my thinking here, which is not about living apart….unless it really speaks to you as a couple… rather I’m coming from: Better DO something different than risk losing each other altogether. Here’s that saying which I’m sure I’ve said before:
So what would inject something different into your relationship, especially if you’ve noticed a few signs of wear?
- Your communication is rather snappy at times. What happened to feeling heard and affirmed in what you both say to one another, even if you don’t necessarily agree?
- Your intimacy has become somewhat marred by the less than flowing, enjoyable communication you share. If we don’t feel heard and accepted, we are less likely to want to be physically close.
- One of you feels your’e doing most of the activities around keeping the home and life moving generally…it feels unequal and resentment builds up.
Apparently January 2nd is DIVORCE DAY!!! (According to various news outlets such as The Telegraph, Independent, and Huffington Post to name but a few). The day when more couples divorce than any other day of the year… no wonder it’s my busiest month for new couples wanting sessions with me! It’s rather shocking to realise this. I guess the strain of Christmas plays a part, but if you and your partner have a solid foundation and lots of goodwill, caring and loving acceptance, then Christmas, Chanukah or anything else will not rock or sink your stable relationSHIP!
So, I’d love to give you a key piece in creating this essential foundation. I admit this is something I say often but us busy people are prone to forget these things, especially when rushing about getting ready for the festive season, so here it is…
You and your partner are in a RELATIONAL SPACE together. It’s yours alone. It belongs to you BOTH and you both have the responsible job of taking care of it. It’s what you have chosen by being in relationship. If you were planting seeds in the garden, you wouldn’t just drop them in the soil and walk away and hope for the best. You would come back regularly to see how they are getting on, water them and maybe feed them.
So, it is like that with your relational space; it is an entity that can change a lot, from wonderful to uneasy, from joyous to disconnected. Both of you are the nurturing “gardeners” in taking care of your relational space.
Ask yourself “what would feed our relational space now or tonight or next week?” Little things that are spontaneous, bigger things that need planning, loving support, small surprises, asking “how was your day?” and really wanting to hear what your beloved shares with you. These are just a few ideas and there are many more all aimed at keeping you two connected on all levels: emotional, physical and spiritual. The most important piece in all this is to hold the awareness that your relational space needs your presence, your acceptance, your realness, your love and expressions of love… all alive and happening.
This creates a solid and beautiful relationship, overflowing with loving connection that nothing can rock. At times, it may get a little unsteady but the foundation holds firm.
I’m sending you love and a rock solid Relational Space.
Have a wonderful holiday time and festivities if that’s your choice and a joyous beginning to the New Year.